Saturday, March 26, 2011

Dreaming Vs. Doing

So, I was working on a card game comic, under the condition that I'd finish a chapter, then put it up, and work on it on a chapter-by-chapter basis. To try and keep my thoughts together, you see, keep it cohesive, and if it cuts off somewhere (as my comics tend to do), at least it'll be at a chapter mark. My boyfriend and I spent hours together, taking my messy written draft and building it into something new, something wonderful and complex, filled with power. Then I got to drawing.

I completed the first draft, pumping out rough scetch after rough sketch, finishing in the week. I looked back with pride, tweaked it, and began working on the images for the final draft.

But then, during the tedious long stretches of refinement, I began dreaming again.

Not about this comic, but another comic. I'd been reading homestuck, and the idea of just how complex a troll romance could be had started to facinate me. What if there was a story where someone auspiced through being matesprits to a black pairing? I dreamed and doodled during classes, building it into something, loving the idea in my head. I began thinking that I'd rather dash off a short story, something quick and fast. My card game comic would dig me in for the long term, and if I cant complete a single short story, then what was I doing writing a big year-soaking strip?

So I set out to do this little short story, the idea that it'd be done in the week.


I think it's been what, a month or two now? A month of slogging through setup, so I'd only just gotten to the part where we meet the second main character?

Yesterday, I doodled about my card game comic. I read through my drafts again and thought "damn! this is awesome! Why arent I writing this?!"

I love dreaming. I love thinking up fantastic things. but when I start to write, I run out of steam, I analyze, and I wonder what the hell I'm doing, who's going to possibly read this stuff? I mean, who the hell is reading my blog? I UNNO haha! I never have the resolve to finish anything, not unless its easy, or a lot of people are behind me. And I don't want to rely on an audience to keep me interested.

But I made a promise to myself, to no one else. I'd finish this short story before I did anything else. I made the same kind of promise before with negitive results. But this time I... I guess I know more about failing? I'm more sick of starting something and ending it with only broken dreams to show for it? How many times have I tried to start something and failed now, eight or ten? This Trollmance is a way to find my weaknesses, find the limit of my abilities, to make the creation of comics as close to my dreams as possible, and be proud of the results. And I know SOMEBODY'S gonna read this crap, it's fanfiction! It's dumb to have that as a motivation, but hey, I'm not showing anybody but my boyfriend my work until its done, so, um, THERE INTERNET!

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